10 Feb 2007 | What’s left of me now
As an addendum to my previous post, we also had Tuesday off because of subzero temperatures. Yes, two snow days in a row. Quite an unprecedented turn of events.
I was just thinking, whilst I contemplated the meaning of existence this morning, as is my daily tradition… that all of the things I love invariably disappoint me at some point or another, either by disappearing entirely or… by becoming something painful instead. And every day, I live in continual fear that one of these two things will happen.
I cannot provide the details, but there are people out there who know how to exploit this flaw of mine and therefore they torture me endlessly. And I’ve realized over the years that I’ve learned to prepare myself for such an eventuality by forcing myself to despise, or forget, if possible, those things that I love. However, forgetting is usually impossible. So in that case I begin, unconsciously, to destroy my former feelings of fondness, nostalgia, or whatever it is, and instead cast towards its way feelings of contempt and bitterness, until I truly lose whatever I attempted to bury in the first place, and have only faint, comfortless memories of what they used to be.
*sigh* *re-reads above paragraphs*
Well, that did not feel very satisfying. Nor did that feel remotely adequate. I suppose I should go drown my anxieties in a greasy bowl of beef noodles now, as lunchtime has just arrived.
Amy says:
Ooo, lucky lucky. Hehe, I’m hoping for a snow day next week cuz our next day off from school isn’t until late March, and a snow day before that would be nice. XP
Hmm… This post of yours is rather poetic. I’m not sure exactly what you mean about things you love that disappoint you… Do you mean people as well? Or memories? Because people usually disappoint me far more than things do…
I hope that you will be cheerful soon. I’m not that intuitive so I’m kinda lost right now about what you’re worried about, but you’ll be able to reason yourself out of it before long, I think. :)
1:55 pm | Saturday, February 10, 2007
Stephanie says:
What happens, happens. I once read a quote that said, “The greatest achievement is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall.” So just shrug all of those people off.
What happened is just a memory, a maybe not so simple memory. You just have to somehow be able to not necessarily forgive and forget, but move on towards the future and look back once in a while without feeling completely bitter and sentimental.
2:14 pm | Sunday, February 11, 2007